To stay or not to stay? If I were my Maâ?Š would I make the same choices? Would I go through the same things she did? And live the life she lived?

No one wants to be born to or live in a single-parent home. For sure, my mother didnâ??t want to raise two kids on her own. All of us want to have a complete family -- with both the parents and the kids living in a place we call home. But we live in an imperfect world; we are imperfect beings, and we make imperfect decisions.

If I were my Ma, would I have forced my Pa to stay even if he wanted out of their relationship? What could she do if her husband made the decision to leave?

Imagine, raising two kids on your own, without any financial or moral support from a womanizing husband. Imagine working full-time to provide for your familyâ??s needs, amidst the scrutiny of the people around you? Imagine going through sickness, PTAâ??s, graduations, birthdays, Christmases without your husband.

When my father left, society wasnâ??t single-parent friendly. There was a stigma attached to being a soloparent. Naughty classmates bullied kids without fathers. Teachers made insensitive remarks and taught lessons about ideal families equaling Dad+Mom+kids. I used to be scared and ashamed to talk about my family in class.

I saw my Ma hurt, angry and struggling but she never took out anything on us. She forgot her own misery and made my brother and I her priority. My Ma never filed for annulment or any case against my Pa, even though friends volunteered to help her with the expenses for the case. My Ma chose not to get involved with any other men even if they pursued her. I remember her taking difficult jobs such as: a factory supervisor, a Tupperware dealer, and finally a minister. She has remained single, even though my brother and I gave her permission to remarry. When we became Christians, Ma was always optimistic that Pa would come back to us. She prayed for him, asked people to pray for him, and required us to pray for him. Sadly, Pa passed away last year due to liver failure without returning to us.

Can anything good come out of something â??dysfunctionalâ?� or â??broken,â?� as some people call single-parent homes? Definitely! I am living proof! Healthy, happy, successful, and well-rounded individuals and families can exist even if they donâ??t have a father figure at home.

God is good and faithful to the fatherless, like me. He has provided for our needs. He sent men into our lives whom I consider as â??secondâ?� fathersâ??my uncles, my grandfather, my Momâ??s friends, our local pastors.

Some people might not appreciate being exposed to responsibilities at a young age, but I am thankful that I got my training in the school of hard knocks early in life. I learned how to take care of myself, of others, and of the house because Ma had to work and she needed all the help she could get. I learned how to do household chores, to   multi-task, to manage my time and resources properly, to lead, to set a good example and to be cautious about the choices I make.

My Ma is my heroine. She is the perfect epitome of faith, tenacity and strength. Iâ??ve never heard her complain about any of her decisions. She didnâ??t have an easy life, but she tried to make the most of her situation and raised us the best way she could.

We may not all have ideal â??familyâ?� but who says that wonâ??t change? The good thing about life is, everything (except for Godâ??s words) is temporary. Today maybe tough, living from pay check to pay check, raising kids by yourself, taking care of sick family members, but things can change and life will eventually get better. We cannot undo the things weâ??ve done in the past, but we still have the present to cherish and the future to prepare for. Let us learn from other peopleâ??s experiences, make better choices, build stronger relationships and have more complete families.

Mother Teresa said: â??The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.â?� The most severe loneliness Iâ??ve ever experienced occurred at a time when I moved far away from my family to establish a new life. Only the purpose of the move was powerful enough to give me the strength and motivation to face what felt to me like a cutting pain that might even kill me in its intensity. I was alone. No one really knew me. I had a long way to go to build new relationships. Isolation from supportive relationships is endurable for a time, but it is not Godâ??s intent for us on a sustained basis. He made us for relationship. Itâ??s what we long for in the depth of our souls. He created us for relationship with Him. I think that when our identity is weak, then we are more susceptible to loneliness that leads to despair. My answer to loneliness is threefold:

1. Know who you are: Know that you are truly Godâ??s child, that your significance is found in that relationship, not in what you produce. Realize God is a present part of every day, every need, and every pain. Nurture that relationship with God through meditation, prayer and Bible study.
2. Love yourself: Recognize your gifts and good points. Be gracious toward yourself when you occasionally fall short. Be a good companion to yourself! Learn there is joy to be found in times of solitude.
3. Make friends: Build relationships. Someone once said profoundly, â??To have a friend you must be a friend.â?� It is vital to prioritize building relationships and to deliberately make time for friendship. As hard working adults, we devalue the need to put relationships at the top of our to-do list.

J. Newton said, â??People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.â?� â?�My goal is to build bridges, not walls:

• A bridge to God, my Lord and Creator.
• A bridge to understanding and appreciating myself.
• A bridge of friendship to others.

 

Her smile was radiant as she opened the door and welcomed me to her apartment. It was hard to believe that this good-natured and happy woman had gone through so much pain. She was married for 27 years, had two adult sons, and thought she and her husband had a strong marriageâ??then the big storm hit; her husband fell in love with another woman. Here is her story...

I canâ??t believe how different you are from the person I knew many years ago! I remember that you used to be subdued. You tried to be the insignificant, supportive wife.

She laughed, â??Yes, back then, I didnâ??t speak my mind. It was only later that I found out, hey, women can have a voice, too.â?�

You and your husband were both active in church; did you anticipate ever going through a separation?
â??It came as a surprise to me. I thought we had a pretty good marriage. It was only afterwards that I wondered if there were certain things that I didnâ??t see that could have warned me. My husband hired a young secretary and he spent a great deal of time with her. He gave her a lot of attention. He changed. I told him what I was seeing. I said, â??You may feel like youâ??re falling in love but possibly, youâ??re just infatuated with her.â?� He tried to cover it up. I talked to the girl and asked her about her feelings for him. I was shocked when she told me that my husband was her boyfriend.â?�

Did you blame God for what happened?
â??No, I didnâ??t. I was puzzled, but I never felt it was Godâ??s fault. As I read the Bible, I recognized that it is every personâ??s choice to obey God or not. We know that Satan will tempt us, and he tempts in areas where we are weak. There must have been something in my husband that made him vulnerable and he yielded to the temptation.

â??There was a time when I thought that I failed God and that I failed my husband. I had to work through those feelings to realize that I didnâ??t fail, and I actually had done what the Scripture taught about how to be a good wife. It helped that I meditated on the Scriptures and prayed a lot. Later, I went for counseling. A friend had given me a book, Knowing God, and this helped me, too. I felt that my strength came from keeping my heart connected with God.

â??At one point, I felt like the enemy tried to mix up the Scripture, â??Love your enemy and do good.â?� That was when my husband wanted this girl to come and live in our home with us. I said no, that I didnâ??t feel that it was appropriate. I knew that I made the right decision. I kept praying, â??God, take this girl out of my husbandâ??s life.â?� But I found out again, it is up to every individual to choose.

â??All of this resulted in very low self-esteem. I kept asking myself, â??What. is wrong with me?â?�â?�

Did you get help?
â??We went through counseling. It was very beneficial and it helped me to understand what my feelings were. However, my husband didnâ??t want to follow through. He had already made a decision to continue his relationship with the young girl.â?�

Your husband is very close to your mom, how did you break the news to her?
â??I came home to be with my mom but I couldnâ??t tell her. I cried because I was afraid she would really die if I told her. But I finally told her about my husbandâ??s affair. She was very strong and she prayed for me. We spent time together and her home was like a place of rest. It was a long time before my mom told my dad. It was very hard because my parents loved and still do love my former husband.â?�

How about your sons, did you tell them right away?
â??No, because both of them were living away from us, but they both came for a visit. I think they sensed something was wrong because they asked me if I was OK. I had lost a lot of weight. They sensed something was wrong because their dad wanted to take this girl wherever we went. I think, our sons, being already young adults recognized what was happening.

â??It was actually our friend who told our older son, and another friend who told my younger son. My younger sonâ??s friends helped him get a ticket so he could be with me when my husband left. The older one came as soon as he could. The boys talked to their dad but their dad did not relent. They were really crushed because we used to be a strong family. Everything that we did, we did together as a family.

â??Itâ??s hard to say how long it took them to process things because each boy is so different. The older one stayed with our friend and they talked to him and they had a counselor talk to him. The younger one refused to address the issue at that time, but later, he looked for a counselor who could help him process what happened.â?�

Would you say that what happened brought them closer to the Lord?
â??I think it did with the older one because he tends to really try to understand the Scripture. First, he said he wanted to do away with his dad. He was so angry. But he prayed and later came to a point where he wasnâ??t so critical. The younger was just concerned about whether this would happen to him, too. I told him it was his choice.

â??I tell the guys not to give up on their dad. Maybe continuing to show him love might help him start living right again.â?�

Was it easy for you to forgive?
â??It was a process. There were times I thought I had completely forgiven him and then something would happen and it would trigger unforgiveness again. I had to really allow the Word of God to become real in my lifeâ?? to help me through it, to give me strength so I could genuinely say â??I forgive you.â?� It was like stages of forgiveness. I stood on what Jesus said, â??Forgive them for they know not what they do.â?� There was a time when I felt Jesus telling me, â??This is why I died.â?� So I took hold of the truth. I thought I had already forgiven and then something would come back to my memory and then I knew there was another level of forgiveness I needed to do.â?�

How did you help the boys to cope with the situation?
â??I allowed them to ask questions; I was open with them. They still communicate with their dad. They open their homes to him and they also go to their dadâ??s home. When you allow the love of God to work through you, you can pass through the sorrows a little easier.

â??We trained them in the ways of the Lord but we didnâ??t tell them what they should do in life or in their work. We allowed them to discover their natural abilities and talents. We encouraged them. When we were all together as a family, both their dads and I instructed them to put God first. Now, they recognize there were false things in their dadâ??s life, that their dad was saying one thing but he was doing the opposite.â??

Mothers are said to be homemakersâ??whatever the situation is, they set the tone in their home.
â??Yes, even when my boys were already grown up and they were going through life issues, they would always find me, and we would be on the phone, and they would talk their heart out. That was the time for me to encourage them, listen to them and remind them of how God walks you through trials, even the experience of separation. It is important to keep open communication with your children during trying times and recognize when they are ready to receive information. Sometimes, you feel that itâ??s not yet time to tell them. When they start asking questions, then they are ready to listen and they will learn something.â?�

It must be hard to live alone after living with your husband for 27 yearsâ?Š
â??Learning to go through life alone without a partner was hard. Sometimes I would cry. There were times when I longed for companionship that wasnâ??t there anymoreâ??my husband putting his arms around me and saying, â??I love you.â?� There was also the physical side, the sexual side, without a companion even for sex. I had to learn to just accept my situation and try and make the best of it.

â??I went back to college and trusted God to take care of the tuition, and He did. I got a job to provide for myself. God helped me to take responsibility for decisions I made, budget, planning, buying a car.

â??When I was married, I took the support role with my husband. I was shy and my husband did all the talking. It was not until after the separation that I began to discover myself. What helped me was being able to go back to college and get some training to be better equipped. God has repositioned me and each time, itâ??s like, â??Oh Lord, this is a new place, I donâ??t know if I can do this, but Iâ??m finding that the steps I have come through prepared me to become what I am now.â??â?�

What can you advise people who are going through the same situation?
â??You have to guard yourself. You may have a time to cry and talk to God about it. Thereâ??s a time for crying but then thereâ??s a time for, â??OK, itâ??s time for me to get up and go do something different.â?? Try to help others. In the midst of your greatest pain, you can choose to do something for somebody else. Itâ??s also good to write down and express your feelings. Read your Bible to give the balance that you need in living life. If you have a trusted friend, talk to her about the things you are passing through. If you need more than just a friend, seek a counselor because a counselor is trained to help you process your emotions. It may take time. Think about positive things. If you think negatively, you will be drained and frustrated. Be in a place where you can hear the Word of God, and make sure that you have the family of God around you.â?�

Creamy Chicken with Mushrooms

• Âœ k chicken fillet, cut into strips
• 1 white onion, chopped
• 1 small can mushroom stems & pieces
• 1 can condensed mushroom or chicken soup
• 1/2-1 cup water
• salt & pepper to taste
• 1-2 Tbsps. Butter
• Celery leaves for garnishing

Melt butter in pan, add onion and saute. Add chicken and braise. Do not overcook chicken. Pour mushrooms and water. Simmer until chicken is tender. Add the chicken soup, salt & pepper to taste. You can add milk or water if sauce is too thick. Serve with rice or pasta. Garnish with celery leaves.

Cheesy Soup

• 1 large white onion, chopped
• 1 medium red bell pepper, diced
• 1 medium green bell pepper, diced
• 2-3 cups heavy cream
• 1 cup grated cheddar cheese
• cayenne pepper or chili powder
• salt to taste
• 1-2 T butter plus 1 t cooking oil
• Boiling water
• Fresh basil leaves or sprigs of parsley for garnishing

In a soup pan, saute onion and peppers in butter and a little oil in medium heat. Donâ??t burn onion. Add cream and simmer, then add cheese, cayenne or chili powder, boiling water according to desired consistency and salt to taste. Serve in individual hot soup bowl. Garnish with fresh basil or sprigs of parsley. You may also want to add croutons.

In one of my Anatomy exams, our teacher asked me to choose a sport, then asked me to identify all the muscle groups used in that sport. I chose swimming. Little did I know that every joint and muscle group is used when we swim.

Healthy Inside and Out

• Muscles are built and endurance is increased. Water creates greater resistance than air. When you move in the water, your muscle exerts 12 times more effort than when you move outside the water. Because you use all your muscles, this results in stronger and more toned muscles. Increased power to counter the water pressure also increases your endurance.
• More calories are burned, more pounds shed, and you get energized. Constant and rapid movement against the water pressure hastens the burning of calories. The process of burning calories gives the body a boost of energy not to mention weight loss that may result from burning stored fats (as calorie source).
• The lungs become stronger and blood gets oxygenated faster. Rhythmic breathing helps regulate the exhalation of (toxic) carbon dioxide and the intake of (beneficial) oxygen into our lungs. Oxygen is eventually mixed with our blood. Healthy red blood contains the right amount of oxygen. Because it strengthens the lungs, some doctors recommend swimming as therapy for asthmatic children.
• The heart becomes stronger and blood circulates better. Rapid movements during swimming cause your heart to beat faster or pump harder. This results in stronger heart muscles and faster transportation of the oxygen-carrying blood from the heart to the entire body, distributing oxygen and nutrients needed by the body tissues for growth and repair.

Getting More for Less
Swimming is said to be the perfect exercise because more calories are burned, more muscles are worked out, and yet it poses the least risk of injury. Although a lot of movement is required in swimming, it has the least impact on your joints and back. This is why swimming is the exercise recommended to people with back problems and those with leg or feet injury. Swimming strengthens the back muscle without the downward impact on the spine. It also stretches the spine and back muscles without hurting your lower back.

We have been taught that â??money is a good servant, but a very bad master. So the challenge is, for all moms and future moms, how do we manage money so that it will work for usâ??be a good servant to us?

Right perspective
To manage money well, we need to have the right, biblical, view of money. The writer of the book of James in the Bible tells us that every good thing comes from God. Andâ?Šthat includes money! Moses, in the book of Deuteronomy in the Bible, says that it is â??He that gives you power to get wealth.â?? The formula then, is this: hard work + Godâ??s strength=money for me and my family.

Right priority
There are established policies and procedures laid down in the Bible on how to use finances. We should pay God first through our tithesâ??that is 10% of our earnings. Our tithe symbolizes our faith in God and our recognition of Godâ??s contribution to our ability to earn money. In order to claim Godâ??s promised help and strength, we demonstrate our faith by â??payingâ?? God His due.

Right procedures
To properly spend our money, we need to stick to the following procedures:

1. Pay ourselves, in the form of savings. Start with a small amount, say 5% of our income and put it in an account (or special piggy bank). This is our future security or capital.
2. Pay our debts. If we canâ??t pay them all, we should pay part. The goal is to reduce the amount until we owe nothing.
3. Pay our bills on time. Try not to incur interest.
4. Plan our expenses so that we can live within our means.

Godâ??s plan is to bless usâ?? within His parametersâ?? which are: unselfishness, compassion, generosity, self-control and obedience.

How to Mend a Broken Heart by Nelson Dy is a window on a manâ??s emotional world as well as practical advice on how anyone, man or woman, can recuperate from heartbreak.

From the first chapter, Journey into Heartbreak, to the last chapter, Honeymoon Never Ended, the book maps a journey from the authorâ??s lowest emotional point to coping and finally healing. In the book, the author not only shares his personal insights, he even boldly shares his own heartaches and struggles in detail. The book centers on a courtship that ends in rejection.

What I like best about this book is that every chapter involves biblical insights. The author was honest about his faults and shortcomings. But he later attributes everything to God. Reading through the pages, every chapter shows progress, and each situation has a parallel in biblical teaching. I sensed that after all of his struggles and pain, the author came to understand that God had a reason for allowing this pain in his life.

In the book, there are some words which I donâ??t understand. They are minimal, and do not affect my over all comprehension of what the author wants to transmit to his audience. I specially like the little box at the end of every chapter which contains a short tag line that will stick in a personâ??s mind and help them act on what they have learned.

I do have a side comment on the last chapter. I feel that this is not relevant to the title. The author mentions his present relationship with his wife Lucy. I think that this should actually be included in a different book. Maybe this can be the topic for Nelson Dyâ??s volume 2!

Editorâ??s note:
How to Mend a Broken Heart is available at OMF Bookstores. MOMS does not solicit advertisements. However, as I was considering what would benefit people who were suffering from loneliness, I thought of this book. We recommend it to you who are experiencing disappointment in love relationships. KS.