“You complete me…”

Chances are, you have heard of these three famous words which Tom Cruise uttered in the movie Jerry Maguire. These words represent a hidden expectation most of us carry when we get married. We dream that our spouse – and later, our children – will satisfy our hearts. But we are rudely awakened when we discover that one can be married, have kids and still be lonely. It does not need to remain this way.

Get to know the real causes of your loneliness. Suppose you are the wife of an emotionally distant man. You sigh, “He doesn’t care. That’s why I’m so lonely.” But who knows? Perhaps he indeed cares for you. Yet because of his personality or upbringing, he does not know how to express affection. Knowing this, you would treat him with patient caring, leading to a constructive, heart-to-heart talk together. If you nag, whine or criticize, you will drive him further away from you, making your loneliness worse. You may also want to solicit advice and help from close, trusted parties, such as the ninong and ninang at your wedding, who (presumably) had pledged to guide you in your marriage.

Change your objective. Loneliness springs from frustrated desire. We all yearn to relate to others in a special and intimate way. But our spouses and children are not robots. We cannot simply push a button and have them end our loneliness. Notice how our problem depends on the decisions and actions of people over whom we really have no control. One powerful way to break free from the loneliness trap is to focus on what we can do, not on what we want other people to do for us. Instead of demanding to be loved, we give love. Eventually, we will reap what we sow. By taking initiative to cherish and to serve our loved ones, we are cherished and
served in return.

Draw on God’s love and strength.  But what if one feels so “dried up” in loneliness that to be loving, rather than seeking to be loved, seems like an impossible task? Have you seen a cup filling itself with water? Of course not. Someone has to pour water into it. Our hearts are just like that. We need someone to pour love into our thirsty, broken hearts. The good news is that there is someone who has an endless supply of love to give. His name is God. He invites us to give Him our aching hearts that He will fill with His love. Then, like an actual cup held underneath a raging waterfall, our hearts will overflow with God’s love which in turn will refresh the hearts of our spouse and children.

We need not journey in loneliness. We can count on God to be by our side and, along the way, discover that He can—complete us!

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Writing an article about raising children, especially teenagers, is scary because I have made a lot of mistakes.  However, hope that you will be encouraged by what I have to share.

I believe my husband and I did well until our children were about twelve years old. They were happy, secure and obedient.  Kids are the easiest to discipline if you have established control from the very start—if you have set reasonable boundaries for them, and if they are sure that if they go beyond the boundaries there will be unpleasant consequences! During the pre-teen years it was easy to teach our children. They believed whatever we told them, and they were happy to obey. However, children don’t stay little forever!

My difficulties started when they were nearing their teenage years.  Apart from the natural tendencies of teenagers to begin to assert themselves, I had my own shortcomings. First, I was not able to make the mental shift from children to teens. I expected that my children would still do whatever I said. I still treated them as kids. Second, I set very high standards for my children, but, I did not give them the chance to learn from their mistakes and mature. Teenagers are like seeds that need nurturing and time to grow—I was impatient for them to grow up! My children, to a large extent, resented me for that. That caused a lot of conflict between us to the point that I thought that I failed them as a mother.

But God works in mysterious ways.  I do not know how it happened, but He has restored our relationship! Maybe it’s partly because I have learned to relax and be patient waiting for them to mature. Or, maybe it is because I have finally learned some of the things I needed to know as a mom.  Here are the most important lessons I learned from parenting teenagers:

Be gracious in disciplining your children, even when handing out punishment. We should be still gentle even when “scolding” them.  Avoid using harsh words and shouting at them. This has been my biggest mistake. I know it is difficult but we need to show compassion and love even when we are angry.

Be success oriented. Children need to be taught. If you guide them so that they will complete tasks successfully, they will love doing these tasks. This is especially true with their studies.

Be relational. Discipline is all about relationships. It is easy for teens to accept your discipline if they are secure in your love.

Realize God loves our children more than we can love them.

The teen years were challenging for our whole family—we are not quite out of them because our eldest is 19 and the twins are 17— but, despite all my mistakes, my children have grown to be God-fearing and responsible and they have far exceeded what I expected of them considering their own difficulties during those years.  Trust God, trust your children, keep growing and learning yourself and… don’t give up!

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as told to Kimberly Snider

Eric and Aloha Francisco

Eric and Aloha Francisco have been married since 1993 and have three gorgeous children, Jan Loi Christine, Hans Ivan, and Erika Lou. Eric is a director, writer and former child movie actor. Aloha is an administrative officer at University of the Philippines, Diliman campus. They fell in love, got married and planned to live happily ever after but… family problems led to separation. Here is the story of a couple who was willing to make drastic lifestyle changes to make their marriage work!

Eric and Aloha are romantics. Both are firm believers in love at first sight. Both said they felt the earth shake during their wedding.  (Of course that could have been because of the 8 point quake that occurred in 1993—smack in the middle of their ceremony at city hall!)

Eric and Aloha met in December of 1987. Eric was eating with a friend at a fast food restaurant, and Aloha was working there. Although she was technically off-duty, she stayed around doing some work and waiting for a co-crew to end her shift. That crew mate was Eric’s neighbor.

Eric: “I saw her across the room. I really wanted to approach her but I didn’t have the guts. I looked away, and when I glanced back, she was no longer there. I thought I really missed the opportunity to meet the girl that caught my attention. So, I looked down to have a bite of my burger, and when I looked up, she was standing beside my friend right across the table! For me, it was love at first sight.”

Aloha: “For me, it was infatuation at first sight and love after two weeks. That night, after I met him, I wrote him a poem.”

Were you praying for God to bring you a boyfriend at that time?
Aloha: “No, because I was busy working at the fast food restaurant, and I was still in college.  When I saw Eric, I thought that probably he was the guy for me. I was starting to be a born-again believer. I was attending Campus Crusade for Christ at UP Diliman.”

Eric: “I had already accepted Christ. For years we had a fellowship meeting in our home. My parents became believers first, and it was natural that we, their children would follow, but— I don’t know— if my parents had not been born again, whether I would have really considered myself a Christian during that time.”

So you sort of depended on your parent’s faith?
Eric: “Yes.”

Did you like the fact that Eric was in show business?
Aloha: “I was jealous.  He put in such long hours. Production people would call on Saturdays, even on Sundays our family day. People would call and ask Eric to parties and I would say, ‘He will not attend.”

Eric: “Yeah, I wouldn’t find out about the phone call until I got to the office. I would hear that I had been called and invited. Everyone thought my wife was really tough.”

Could you decline to drink or participate in things while you were at the parties?
“It was possible, but very hard.  My boss would always tell me to keep my faith separate from my job.” 

Was jealousy a destructive force in your family?
Eric: “Yes, but it was a two way street. As Aloha admitted, she was jealous. She was very demanding when she was not working. Yet, when she started working that changed completely. Instead of her being jealous of my activities, I felt I was no longer needed, no longer wanted.”

Aloha: “When we were boyfriend and girlfriend, I did little things to make him smile. But, when I started working, and we had children, he got less attention. I can understand why he felt jealous.”

Eric, you quit working for the networks, why did you do that?
Eric: “When I left, my career was really just starting to take off. I had been working with the group for so long I was in the comfort zone—writer, associate director, assistant director, etc. In the late 90’s, I directed a movie. I did not have the title ‘director,’ but really I directed this movie. There were rumors I would actually be officially directing. It didn’t happen.  I was really frustrated.  During that time, I was a ‘Sunday Christian’, not a ‘heart Christian.’  I know that is why there were troubles in my family. It was a hard time.  I really wanted to live like a Christian, but I was unable to lead my family to live a Christian lifestyle.”

Aloha: “It was my fault.”

Eric: “It was both of our faults. I acted wrongly. I was jealous and had fits of rage. Aloha’s view of being a Christian collapsed when we got married. Finally, I left my family in 2001 and went to the States.  Aloha and I were separated before I left. We had a violent fight, and she threw me out of the house. I thought I would just stay in the US and start a new family.

“To my surprise, I discovered that my very first pastor from the Philippines was now pastoring in the States. I went to his house to stay. When I went there, God really touched me.  I started reading the Bible for 10 minutes, 30 minutes, 2 hours…I was still looking for work, so I could spend hours and hours reading the Bible and talking to God. I hadn’t done that for almost a decade, because when I got married, I forgot about my desire to serve the Lord; I just wanted to serve my wife. 

“When people in the Philippines found out what I was doing, it caused problems. People were telling Aloha that I was crazy, not working, and so involved with the Lord.

“Finally, I got a job working as a caretaker for an American man. He had a PhD. He was a director for prisons. He had been separated from his wife for almost a decade. Neither one had ever remarried. He talked to her on the phone everyday. Every time he hung up the phone he was crying. He said, ‘I realize I could get married again, but I still love my wife.’

‘So what is the problem—you love her, she loves you, why not get back together?’ I asked. He told me he wanted to live in one place; she wanted to live in another. They had personality differences. That made a huge impression on me. I thought, ‘That could be me!’  So, I called Aloha and I told her, ‘I want to come home.’  Only later did I find out that I was the only employee that American man had ever talked to. People who had been working with him for years had never heard his story. I kneew that God wanted to speak to me through the situation of that man.” 

Aloha: “He kept on saying, I love you and I want to come home.”

Eric, Aloha and Kids

How is your marriage different now?
Eric: “Now, even though we have disagreements we know we are one in God. We are not really against each other.
Before I would think, I don’t really want this work; my relationship with my kids is not that good. I am always at the computer, not talking to my kids. I was so mad at the world; I couldn’t think anything good about Aloha. All that changed because of that one month in the States. Now I know, if we have an argument or disagreement, we still are a family, we still are one. We will work it out.”

Aloha: “I try to help him lead our family. Before when he wanted to have family devotions, I was the one who always fell asleep. I am very thankful for that pastor’s life in the States.”

Eric: “Now, we are doing what really should be done as a family. I have continued what I started doing in the States, staying close to God.  I have thought about my jealousy and the relationship with my family. All I can change is me —not her.

“There were people that did not want me to come back—they hoped I would stay in the States and work there. But, I just told them, I love you, but God, my wife and my kids are more important than what you think about my life. I also asked forgiveness from my wife and from my children for my behavior in the past.”

Aloha: “I learned a lot, too.  I learned to be softer at times. Sensitive. I learned to submit to Eric. I learned how to pray and read the Bible. Now, we tell people in couples’ fellowships to have faith in God and to have faith in your husband, or in your wife.”

Is your present relationship worth all the struggle you went through to achieve it?
Eric: “Marriage may be hard work, but it is worth it. The relationship may not be ok tomorrow, or ok for a week, but if you look to God for your marriage it will end up all right. I tried so many ways to feel the love I always wanted to feel, but it is only through God that you can make it happen. It is through him you build your house—if you will not let God build the house, it will always stay broken.”

Eric and Aloha wanted their marriage to work so badly that they were willing to make drastic lifestyle changes. They:

• Made career changes
• Asked each other’s forgiveness
• Started over as a family
• Are making daily efforts to stay close to God and each other.
• Commit to family devotions at least once a week, even just once week if it’s hard on everybody’s schedule

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Recent studies show that one out of every three women currently under 40 will eventually develop heart disease. Heart disease poses as great a risk for women as breast cancer does. The signs of heart attack in women can be very different than from men. Instead of crushing chest pain, women have lighter chest, stomach or abdominal pain, nausea or dizziness shortness of breath, heart palpitations, fatigue or weakness. If you have any concerns about your heart, it is a good idea to ask your doctor for tests, or even seek a second opinion if you have the feeling your doctor might be dismissing your concern or symptoms.

You are most likely to develop heart disease if:

• you smoke cigarettes
• you have a family history of diabetes
• you have blood pressure higher than 135/85
• you have a family history of early heart disease
• you undergo premature menopause (before age 38, either natural or through removal of ovaries)
• you are overweight &  have an inactive lifestyle

Cholesterol Control Have your cholesterol tested once a year. You should aim for a total cholesterol of less than 150 milligrams per deciliter (mg/dl) or less, a LDL of 130mg/dl or less, a HDL (good) of 45mg/dl or higher and triglycerides of less than 150.

Choose Food Wisely

A low-fat diet is usually appropriate for most women. It is achieved by cutting back on all fats. A Mediterranean-style diet is a good example. It consists of lots of fruits and vegetables, with most fats coming from olive oil, canola oil, olives or nuts. Additionally the consumption of whole grain carbohydrates (brown instead of white rice, whole wheat bread instead of white bread) decreases diabetes.

Lace Up!

Regular exercise can help you shed extra weight or to lower your cholesterol. Walking and other moderate physical activities are good for your heart. Any form of aerobic exercise, something that gets your heart pumping, can help improve the health of your heart. But, consult your doctor before starting any exercise regimen.

For some of us, having a healthy heart will mean a change in what we eat. To encourage you that delcious food options are still available to those who want to eat healthy we got onto this site on the internet www.deliciousdecisions.org. Here are two of the recipes that we found there.

Spaghetti and Mushroom Sauce		Lemon Barbequed Chicken
3 tablespoons acceptable margarine 1 cup sliced fresh mushrooms 1/3 cup chopped onion one clove garlic, minced one 16-ounce can no-salt-added tomatoes, chopped one 6-ounce can no-salt-added tomato paste 1/2 cup water 1 tablespoon sugar 1 bay leaf 1/4 teaspoon basil 1/4 teaspoon oregano 1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper 18-ounce package spaghetti Melt margarine in large non-stick skillet over medium-high heat. Add mushrooms, onion and garlic. Saute until onion is tender. Stir in remaining ingredients except spaghetti. Cover and simmer over low heat 2 hours, stirring occasionally. If sauce appears too thick, add additional water. Remove bay leaf. Cook spaghetti according to package directions, omitting salt. Drain. Pour sauce over spaghetti and serve. www.deliciousdecisions.org		2 1/2 pound frying chicken, quartered, skinned, all visible fat removed Dash paprika Dash cayenne pepper 1/4 cup fresh lemon juice 1/4 cup honey 1 tablespoon sesame seeds, toasted Preheat broiler. Rinse chicken and pat dry. Season chicken lightly with paprika and pepper. Combine lemon juice and honey in a small saucepan, mixing thoroughly. Heat over medium heat until warm and set aside 2 tablespoons. Coat chicken pieces with about half of the rest of the lemon-honey mixture. Place chicken on broiler rack. Broil 4 to 5 inches from the heat 15 for minutes. Baste occasionally with remaining lemon-honey mixture. Turn pieces over, baste and broil 15 minutes longer or until tender. Combine sesame seeds and the reserved 2 tablespoons lemon-honey mixture. Spoon over chicken just before serving. This also may be cooked on a charcoal grill.

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Melissa Cruz is the author of the book Home Spa published by ANVIL publishing company and available in National Bookstores. Melie and her husband of 14 years, Herald, are the pastors of Pointbreak Fellowship in Pasig. Melie is currently  pursuing a master’s degree in counseling and is the proud mother of 4: Misha,13; Miggy, 9; Mikaylah,5;  Micole,1.

Melie is the youngest in a family of four daughters. Her mother liked working with her hands and she took good care of herself. Her mother passed these values down to her daughters. Melie has happy memories of experimenting with natural homemade beauty products in the kitchen of her family home, especially during the time that all four of the girls were in their teens.

Melie admits that it is a struggle to take time to be pretty when you are busy with a career, school and four children, but she tries to take some time for herself each week end.  “Even something as simple as a long bath can make you feel better about yourself and of course will enhance your marriage. High self esteem is going to show in how you relate to your husband,” she reflects.

Melie believes that when you are beautiful on the outside, you have a higher sense of self esteem. She feels that the impression we make on others is important too. But she cautions, “What is on the inside will always come out on the outside. In order to be beautiful on the outside you have to be beautiful on the inside and the only way to do that is to have a right relationship with God.”

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These recipes were copied with permission from the book, Home Spa by Melissa Pizaña-Cruz courtesy of Anvil Publishing company and Melissa Cruz. Book is available at National Bookstore. Super Avacado Hair Treatment 1 egg 1 avocado 1 tablespoons oil (olive, coconut, sunflower, baby oil) Mix egg in blender or by hand until frothy. Add avocado and oil and blend until smooth. (If you are doing this by hand, you will need to mash the avocado and beat egg separately before adding).  Apply to clean damp hair and leave on for 30 minutes. Rinse thoroughly or shampoo off.

Oatmeal and Baking Soda Exfoliator for the Face
2 teaspoons fine oatmeal.
1 teaspoon baking soda
water

Combine ingredients and add enough water to make a paste. Apply the paste to the skin and rub in gently for about a minute. Rinse.

Lemon (kalamansi) and Sugar Body Scrub
 ½ to 2/3 granulated sugar
juice of one lemon (or 3 kalamansi)

Mix sugar and lemon to form a paste. While bathing or showering, gently rub your entire body with the paste for about 1 minute in each area, especially knees and elbows. Rinse off.

Foot Smoothing Salt Scrub
2 tablespoons fine salt
2 tablespoons castor oil (available in drug stores)
1 tablespoon baby oil

Mix ingredients and massage onto feet.

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by Peter Banzon

Q: Marriage bring two unique people into a lifetime relationship. Their uniqueness will be a source of delight as well as conflicts and problems. A successful marriage is a commitment to problem/conflict resolution. Conflicts are not the same as quarrels. Conflicts are barriers to relationships which must be taken out of the way. People grow as they learn to face and overcome problems. So how do you frankly face problems. Here are some guidelines to help you along the way.

A: Admit there is a problem.   A husband or wife may deny a problem exits which further complicates the matter. No problem can be resolved unless couples admit there is a problem or conflict.

Pray. When you bring before God your problem or conflict, you are asking the one who has the ability to solve any problem to intervene in your lives. Put your faith in God who wants to strengthen your relationship with your spouse.  The bible says “ is anyone in trouble let him pray (James 5:13).  Prayer makes you open to God’s guidance as well as to your spouse. You become more receptive to suggestions or analysis of the problem at hand.

Listen to each other .  Listening to each other is an important part of facing problems or conflicts in marriage. You may be hearing your spouse but not actually listen to what she/he says. Listening means you are not thinking of what to say next while the other person is talking. The bible say” be quick to listen slow to speak and slow to become angry”. (James 1:19) When you listen are demonstrating respect for your partner.  Respect begets respect. A great deal of our problems can be resolved if we just take time to listen to each other.  

Admit your part of the problem.  They say it takes two to tango. You don’t need to play the blame game. State the issue and your part in the misunderstanding or conflict. We attack the problem not the other person.

Develop solutions together.  This is resolution.  When you understand each others feelings and sentiments,  you and your spouse will be able to come up with solutions to the problem at hand.
Because it is a team effort, both spouses will work hard to implement their solution.  Resolution draws people together, not pull them apart.

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