When I was small, my family often told me I was “cute.” All through my school years, I thought I was cute and I became a snob in High School. I was “Miss Freshman” so I believed I was pretty and it went to my head! I didn’t realize that I only got the title because I was the teacher’s favorite! It’s funny to think about the incident now, but I vowed not to make the same mistake with my kids.

When my own daughters were growing up, although I was happy that they were on the honor roll, I hardly praised them. I was so afraid that they would think too highly of themselves like I had done. Then one day, as I was scolding them for arguing with a cousin, one of them said, “Mommy, you are never on our side— you never appreciate what we have accomplished.”

I cried. Of course, it wasn’t true! I didn’t realize that my lack of verbal affirmation had conveyed the message that they were not appreciated.

Build up their self esteem with open communication

Building up our child’s self-esteem begins in our own home. It starts with having good communication with them. Some children are born talkers but some are not. If we are open and sincere when talking to our kids they will be encouraged to open up to us. Having open communication with them will build a mutual relationship of trust and confidence. This makes them feel secure and it gets them ready to face the pressures of the outside world because they know they can come to us for guidance and encouragement at any time.

When we allow children to express what they feel, we can also try to help them process their feelings and deal with their problems by asking reflective questions. For instance we can say, “I understand you are really mad at your teacher. Why do you think she made that comment to you?” Listening to what they have to say even though we don’t agree all the time can be challenging but, exploring options to make them think before they make decisions is always effective.

When my girls were growing up, I always gave careful thought to what they had to say. But I made the mistake of often interrupting them when they talked to me. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and would start scolding right them away if they said anything I disagreed with. As a result they stopped telling me what happened at school. I would see them talking with each other but they would automatically stop when they saw me. It was hard to rebuild our relationship after that.

Give verbal affirmation

One way to build up our child’s self esteem is to affirm them verbally. We can say: “What a great job you did on your school project!” or “How pretty you look this morning!” It encourages our children to hear us praise them or give importance to what they have accomplished. But affirmation goes beyond lip service. We need to validate our words with our actions. Sometimes, we need to back up our affirmation with rewards, treats or extra privileges. We also need to support them in what they want to do to the best of our ability. When they see us exert effort to help them pursue what they want to accomplish, they are motivated and strive harder to pursue their dreams. Don’t be unreasonable, but say “no”

It is also important to say “no” to what will not be good for them. Almost always, when I said “no” to my kids, I had to explain the reason why. At times, we didn’t agree and I easily forgot that although they were children, they had feelings and emotions like me. They had moments of sadness, anger, fear, etc. They needed to be secure in knowing they could express their emotions and still be loved afterwards.

Be inclusive

Including our kids in as many activities as they can handle and giving them simple tasks appropriate for their age also helps them feel like they belong and are capable and responsible. Most mothers think juggling work, household chores and caring for children is an impossible task. But we can be creative in incorporating our motherhood role with our chores. I remember a time when I was visiting my daughter. She was ironing a hamperfull of clothes while babysitting her 3-year old son. After placing various toys a few feet away from her ironing board, she started him drawing on a pile of old calendars with colored crayons. After her son got engaged in the activity, she explained to him that she needed to iron the clothes while watching him draw the pictures of the toys around him. She was at the same time teaching her son colors and numbers. She praised him for “the red balloon that really looks like an upside down letter ‘p’.” Occasionally, she stopped her ironing to help her son— they both enjoyed their time together.

Every child has potential

As parents, we can either discourage our children, or empower them to reach their potential. We should observe our growing children and identify what their talents are. Although we cannot be fully responsible for what our children will become, we do play an important role in molding them to become the best they can be. Even though we have exerted all our efforts to prepare our kids for the future, they can still make mistakes. Why not? We do, too. Some things are beyond our control but we know that we don’t have to do things alone because our Father in Heaven sent us a Helper, a Teacher and a Friend, the Holy Spirit, who is really our “911” in this crazy world!

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In her fifties, Mrs. Regencia is the mother of four college graduates. Due to a hard life, Mrs. Regencia herself did not have the opportunity to get much education during her own youth. However, she always believed in its value. When it was time for her to raise children of her own, she made sure that her children got quality education no matter how hard the circumstances of their lives were.

Mrs. Regencia’s dreams for her children were like those of every mother. Every mother dreams of seeing her children attain success in life. However, under the circumstances, making her dream become reality was especially challenging!

What do you believe about the value of education?

“When I was young, my parents could not afford to send me to school since there were nine of us. Food was scarce. My father used to repair damaged fish pens for a living. It was not a permanent job. Fish pens rarely get damaged unless there is a strong typhoon.

“I was at the top of my class when I told my teachers that I would not be able to continue with my studies. My family could no longer afford to educate me. As the eldest daughter, it was my duty to help my parents earn a living. My teacher felt sad.

“I started working when I was twelve years old - barely a day after graduating from elementary school. Whatever I earned, I gave to my parents to help buy some more rice. My siblings were resourceful in finding viands, so rice was most important to us. One scoop of rice for a growing child is barely enough.

“My mom worked as an ironing lady and as I said, my father had no permanent job. I promised the Lord at that time that if He gave me the opportunity to have children, I would do my best to help them get an education.

“When I was twenty-five years old, my eldest brother found a better source of income than he had previously had. He asked me to stop working as a house helper and take-up dressmaking. While studying at Lorraine School, I got to know my husband to be, Buenaventura Regencia. He was taking up tailoring. Not long thereafter, we got married.

“Throughout all these events, my dream about education never left my mind. When my eldest child Rowena turned four years old, we brought her to Westminster Student High School. We never dreamed that tuition fees would cost so much. As Mrs. Kho, the registrar, started processing the documents, I had to stop her and tell her that we would just come back, because I did not have the money with me.

“After that I enrolled one child after another in that school. Mr. Daniel Chiok, the Principal, is a good man. He advised me to go to church and then children’s tuition fee would be taken care of. True enough, my children started receiving scholarships as reward for their academic excellence. The teachers were happy for me, too. Before long, all four of my children were on stage for academic excellence.

“I thank the Lord for making my dreams come true, with the help of Mr. Chiok and other Chinese charitable institutions.

“My husband was the only breadwinner in the family. He worked as a bank messenger. Income was small. It meant so much to get one semester of free tuition from school as a reward for my children’s academic excellence. For Living Out Her Dream by Jeanne Ching the other semester, I would stand in cue for tuition aid from the Tan Family Association. That was how we managed while all my children were studying.

“Because of all this, it was so very rewarding to see Rowena, my eldest daughter graduate valedictorian from high school. She proceeded to graduate Cum Laude from University of the Philippines with a degree of BS in Business Administration and Accountancy. Ruchelle, my second daughter graduated from UP taking up Physical Therapy. My son Allan on the other hand is a BS Computer Engineering graduate from the University of the East. My youngest child Victoria, is a BS Bio-Chemistry graduate from UP. Now, the Department of Science and Technology is even offering her a monthly stipend to take graduate studies. See, these are the blessings I’ve been receiving from the Lord.

“But, all these blessings went hand in hand with hard work. If my husband and I had not strived hard, who would be there to help raise our children? Each child had to start going to school at four years old. At times, we had to endure being mocked. Some would criticize us for sending our children to private school. I would tell myself that these people did not know the value of education. I just wanted to ensure that my children would have a better chance of getting into good universities for higher education.”

How did you guide them through their studies?

“I accompanied my children to and from school. I helped them carry their stuff. When they had questions with their studies, I would help them check the facts in a dictionary, since I didn’t know much. As I told you earlier, I was just an elementary graduate then. Thank God, my children were able to survive and complete their courses.”

How did you get it all done? As a housewife, I’m sure you were loaded with many duties and responsibilities.

“Time management. For example: I would cook meals before my family got up in the morning. I’d also make sure the clothes that they’d be wearing for the day were pressed the night before. Then I’d also help them prepare other things that they’d be bringing. We couldn’t afford to forget something since even transportation expense was budgeted.

“I’d then attend to my laundry and ironing jobs to help augment family income. My husband is so kind and considerate! He’d help me with housework and he made sure that we were able to manage, before leaving for work.”

What did you sacrifice for education?

“Sometimes we did not have enough money to pay for fare to get our children to school. Then I’d pray and the Lord provided. I learned to do direct selling on the side. I sold T-shirts and pants to “yayas” (nannies) at school and to the people in my neighborhood. I got merchandise from my sibling who has a store in Divisoria and remitted payment as soon as I was able to collect from the sales.

“I also have a sewing machine at home. I’d accept zipper repairs and alteration jobs. My clients were mostly fishermen. They would sometimes pay me in cash, other times they’d just give me their catch of fish.

“Then by God’s mercy, Westminster allowed me to make the uniforms of High School and Kinder girls.”

What were the rewards for your sacrifices?

“Abundant blessings! I was envied by many parents every time I went on stage in recognition for my children’s academic excellence. They were awarded not only for English studies but in Chinese studies as well.

“I was the only one there for my children since we could not afford to forego my husband’s wage for the day. Some parents would tease me by saying, please leave some awards for us, and don’t get them all. That’s how it was until my children got to college.

“The only time my husband went on stage with me was when my daughter graduated cum laude from college.”

What can you tell the parents about the value of education?

“Based on my experience, I’d say life is hard, so they have to guide their children. Some parents are too busy working, leaving little or no time to supervise their children. Then their children grow up to be undisciplined.

“Children are like plants. You have to take care of them everyday. Guide them so they’d be able to stand firm. When left on their own, they tend to grow wild, leaning towards different directions.

“Here at our school, Westminster, children are required to be in church on Sundays. It helps mold the child’s character. But many parents I know dislike this. They think Sunday is their child’s only rest day. But in my experience, education is different in school and in church. Here children are taught spiritual values. They get to know our Heavenly Father better.”

What can you advise students about the value of education?

“Even though you’re still young, you have to know the value of education. If you are able to finish your studies, then you’ll have better opportunities for finding a job. What you’ve learned will be used throughout your lifetime. You will have no need to feel sorry for being illiterate.

“You will feel sorry if all your siblings are well educated while you are not, just because you’ve been indolent and passed up your chances. No one else can help you but yourself.”

You decided to go back to school now that all your children have graduated, why?

“Studying has always been my primary aspiration in life. As a child I felt sorry for not being able to continue with my studies because I knew it would be harder to study once I grew older. Like now, I often find myself saying, ‘I mastered this just the night before and I have already forgotten it.’ I realized that I forgot everything just because I got tensed. It’s good that everything falls back in place once I pick it up and start over. I don’t cheat. I’m just determined to study.

“Education is important. Knowledge is not the only thing you acquire in school. We learn good manners, how to get along with others. Education also allows us the opportunity to get good jobs.”

When did you decide to go back to school? Was it when all your children graduated?

“No. I have always wanted to study. So when I heard from a radio program that there’s such thing as adult night school, I went around asking. However, most schools I went to, did not accept adult students. I was so happy to know that La Salle Greenhills is offering adult night high school from 5- 9 in the evening. I spared no time in asking my husband’s permission to go back to school.”

It’s good that your husband didn’t stop you from going to school again.

“He’s very understanding. I’ve always told my family, ‘If God had given me the chance to study, then you wouldn’t have had a hard time asking for my help with your problems, especially with your studies.’ As it was, I couldn’t help them with their assignments except with Filipino literature which I learned through stories told by our ancestors.

“It is indeed a blessing from the Lord to graduate from high school and emerge as “Valedictorian.”

By the way ma’am, what’s your first name again?

“Erlinda” (as she showed me her student ID from Fatima School of Nursing, beaming with pride).

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According to Anna Yap-Tan Pascual, OTRP, MRS (occupational therapist), kids who seem like they are not listening or focusing on their parents’ teaching are not bad, lazy or slow. They may have a condition called Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). These are the kids who often stay at the principal’s office. Sometimes they hurt themselves.

Neurology studies say that in ADHD children, some brain cells do not react properly. This faulty brain activity can trigger hyperactivity. Hyperactive kids often experience high levels of aggressiveness, inattention, and emotional highs and lows which can lead to tantrums, breakdowns, dramatics, or withdrawal. The hyperactive child is viewed by sensory integration practitioners as a child who has difficulty processing information. ADHD usually starts in preschool. Boys have

ADHD more than girls. Symptoms for ADD/ADHD vary, but some of the common ones are as follows:

• Difficulty remaining seated and waiting for their turn
• Difficulty focusing or easily gets distracted
  Interrupts answers to questions and conversations
• Often talks too much Trouble finishing assignments
• Difficulty following instructions and sustaining attention
• Moves from one activity to another and never completes any
• Often loses things and is forgetful
• Often engages in activities that seem dangerous
• Often seems immature or irresponsible for age level
• Often doesn’t understand why he or she did something

Be cautious in labeling a child as ADHD. Don’t think just because your child is occasionally hyper they have this disorder. The condition must be diagnosed by a professional like a psychologist, psychiatrist, or neurologist who can test for the condition.

For the last 30 to 40 years, the “sensory integration approach” has been helpful to children with behavior, learning, and motor problems. In this therapy, the whole body is involved in movement. Practitioners also teach the parents to learn how to discipline their hyperactive child. Discipline includes training the child with consistency from the parent. The most extreme discipline is spanking, but not to the point of bruising the child or provoking anger. Medication also benefits hyperactive children. Learning regular breathing techniques gives stress relief by calming the body. Following this sequence with meditation develops memory and the ability to concentrate.

Diet is also a crucial element for ADHD treatment. Research shows that consuming sugar, processed or artificial foods and drinks, caffeine, sodas, chocolates, and salty food triggers hyperactive children. The best diet is to go as natural as possible.

But remember, children need more than just treatment. They need parents and teachers to work together, to help them learn how to change the way they act. Fifty percent of all ADHD children grow out of it in adolescence because their body and brain mature.

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Train up a child in the way he should go…

Wise handling of money is part of our kid’s life training curriculum and just like any lesson in school, the concept of money is best taught using the three methods of teaching: talk about it, show it, and let them do it.

Talk about it

You need to talk about money openly with your children. This does not mean though that you fight, argue, and complain about money in front of them. But talk about the concept of money and using it wisely.

Talk about how a certain amount of money is required to buy things you need. Then talk about earning money. Tell your kids how people work and get paid for their labor. You may mention options to earn like being employed or running a business. Explain that children are given school allowance because they are not yet able to work and earn for themselves.

Help young kids understand budgeting and saving using simple analogies. For example, budgeting can be likened to slicing a loaf of bread so that all family members can get their share according to their needs. Tell them that over spending, like eating all they want and more than what they need, can result in painful and regrettable consequences. And just like keeping the extra bread for the following day, extra money should be saved for future needs.

Lastly, even at an early age, teach them about giving and tithing. Tell them about God’s character as our Provider and explain that you are giving back a portion of His blessing out of gratefulness. Explain to them also that financially supporting church ministries and missionaries will let them help other people in church and people in other places.

Show it

Kids learn by observing others so you need to show them how you handle money wisely. Show your children your budget plans and pay slips or let them help you count your business’ daily earnings. Bring your kids to the bank and show them how you save some amount from your earnings. If you have a “piggy bank,” show them how you drop-in your daily savings. Show them how you pay for your groceries so they will have an idea of how much money is required to get a certain amount of goods. Lastly, show your children how you set aside and give your tithe and offering to church. Give them their own envelopes where they can put their tithe and offering and let them drop their envelopes together with yours.

Let them do it

Let your kids handle their own money and apply what you taught them.

For kids too young to earn and save, the concept of money may be practiced through role plays. Give your kids play money that they can use when they play bahaybahayan and tinda-tindahan. For older kids, aside from their school allowance, you may suggest projects that can help them earn their own money like making crafts and artwork. You can also help them prepare simple food products to sell after Sunday school and in your neighborhood. Summer jobs, like helping in your store or a neighborhood store, are also good earning opportunities for older kids and teens.

Saving, budgeting, giving, and tithing may be practiced by letting kids allocate their money. Do this creatively by providing them with clear jars to serve as designated “piggy banks.” Designate one jar each for the following: tithe, weekly spending money, money for others, savings for personal project, and savings. Label each jar and put a photo that correspond to where or who the money will go. For example, paste a photo of the Bible for their tithe; your kid’s photo for his weekly budget; and a photo of that bike he always wanted to buy on his personal project jar. It is good to use clear jars so that your kids can see how their savings grow and also see how their money becomes less each time they spend it.

More than giving our children material wealth, teaching them how to handle wealth wisely assures them of a brighter future. As the saying goes, give a man a fish and you feed him for a day but teach a man how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

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by Peter Banzon

Q: This may seem like a foolish problem, but I am hesitant to discipline my kids. I want them to treat me as one of their “barkadas.” Additionally, I have a bad temper and may not be able to control myself and so end up hurting them if I start to discipline them. Please help me.

A: Disciplining children is a very important role that parents have to assume. Let’s look at some things that God’s family manual, the Bible, has to say about disciplining children.

Love them by disciplining them.

God’s word says love means disciplining. “If you refuse to discipline your children, it proves you don’t love them; if you love your children, you will be prompt to discipline them.” Proverbs 13:24. You can discipline without loving but you cannot love without disciplining! Good parental discipline demonstrates that parents care about their children and how they are growing up.

The purpose of discipline is to correct a wrong act or attitude. “A youngster’s heart is filled with foolishness, but discipline will drive it away.” Proverbs 22:15. Discipline sets the boundaries of authority in the home. Discipline infuses respect for authority. The Bible says: “Discipline your children while there is hope. If you don’t, you will ruin their lives.” Proverbs 19:18. When you see your kids doing wrong, don’t pass up the opportunity to correct them. Don’t do them a disservice by tolerating what you know is wrong.

Don’t discipline in anger.

Discipline is not punishment! The Bible says: “And now a word to you fathers. Don’t make your children angry by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction approved by the Lord.” Eph. 6:4 Don’t discipline your children while you are still angry. You will be too emotional to impose proper discipline and may end up hurting them instead of teaching them a lesson.

Be consistent.

When you have set the rules for your kids, don’t change those rules on a whim. When you constantly bend the rules, you are basically communicating to your kids that its okay not to follow rules. It will defeat the purpose of discipline in the first place. Both parents must agree to uphold whatever discipline each parent imposes on the child.

Adjust the discipline to the age level of the child. Don’t give a toddler the discipline fit for an 8 year child. Also the discipline must match the offense, too light or too heavy discipline may distort a child’s view of the seriousness of the offense.

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