by Manny Sabater

Her marriage was over. She said she discovered that he had had an affair. It was a quarrel with flying dishes and knives. It ended leaving her without a spouse, and their two children without a dad. Seeing my niece’s distress, I was disturbed, but I had a glimmer of hope when she said that she was open to reconciliation.

I discovered that my niece’s husband had settled in another province. He agreed to see both me and his wife. My nephew-in-law told his side of the story. He said he never heard any words of appreciation from his wife. He admitted flirting because he longed for affection.

It was my first attempt to reconcile a discouraged husband with a furious wife. Not really an expert on this, I discussed pointers on how to communicate in marriage…based on a handout I got from a marriage seminar.

I asked them if they understood the meaning of communication. I explained that it was more than talking. It is a means of being understood yourself, and of understanding another person. Communication becomes successful based on how a message is received, not on how it was sent. In their last quarrel, for example, my niece wanted to send a strong message that she would not tolerate her husband’s womanizing. But his interpretation was that she had gone crazy and wanted to kill him. This was communication gone awry!

I assured the young couple that communication could be learned. It takes different forms, I explained. It can be physical, as in hugging and kissing. It can also be verbal, like saying “I love you.” Communication can take place when a couple spends quality time alone together, or when they give each other gifts on special occasions. Communication can take place by serving one another.

My nephew-in-law said that he had stopped doing these things because he had gotten busy working. I told him that carefully planning his schedule would leave him enough time to work and to communicate with his wife.

My niece complained that he seldom talked with her. If ever he did, he spoke only a few words. I told my nephew-in-law that men, generally, are not talkative by nature. But we should not make that an excuse. Details are important to women. We should be elaborate when talking with our wives. My nephew finally admitted he avoided talking with her because she hurt his ego.

The night I spent with my niece and her husband turned out to be an opportunity for self-discovery for each of them. Calmly, they brought out their sentiments. At the end, they knew themselves better and understood each other. Before leaving, I advised them to consider themselves as one team. As a team, they should work together to triumph over the challenges of their married life… preferably with God.

Months after they reconciled, I saw a different niece. Her marriage was strong. When she showed her husband appreciation, he responded with dedication to his family. His text messages affirmed his love.

To see “borrowed counsel” overcome a marriage crisis was a source of joy. It was a double blessing when I decided to take my own advice and help my own marriage grow!

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There is power on bended knees. There is even more power when two persons, who share a common bond, bow together in prayer. The benefits of having a consistent prayer time with your spouse are so numerous that it’s ironic some Christians take it for granted.

One obvious advantage of prayer to couples is that it binds them closer together. Spending time together in prayer stimulates a sense of unity and, it gives couples a unified vision for the direction their lives should take. When couples are sensitive to His leading, God can reveal His plan for their lives. In their quiet time, through prayer, reading the Bible or circumstances, God will speak to them. What comes next is an opportunity to follow His will.

Christian couples who have regular prayer time can easily testify how God reveals His will for them. Couples, who do this from an early stage in their marriage, find God’s hand working strongly in their family through the years. Although prayer does not mean the absence of problems, prayer makes problems easier to bear and ultimately helps to find solutions.

This brings us to the next point; God gives answers more often to couples who are unified in prayer. When you regularly pray as a couple, you become sensitive to pray about things which you need but, you also become sensitive to pray about what God wants you to pray about. Couples then can become intercessors for other people as well.

Prayer gives couples the opportunity to obey God. It is important to have a right heart, through humility, confession and repentance from sin. When a couple is right in the eyes of God, God initiates circumstances where they can follow Him in obedience. It is through obedience that God ultimately blesses them so that, in return, they can bless other people.

Spending time together with the Lord is a necessity rather than an option. If you want to have a meaningful marriage and family life, then start the habit of prayer time with your spouse. There is a saying that marriage can be compared to a triangle. The tip represents God and each corner at the base represents the husband and the wife. The more both persons move towards God the more they come closer to each other. Prayer, coupled with the reading of His Word, the Bible and obedience are the means to make it happen.

If you have regular prayer time as a couple, then I am sure you know what I am talking about. If you haven’t, then I urge you to start now. You will be amazed at what God has in store for both of you, as a couple and as a family.

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An interview with Zenaida Calusay by Kimberly Snider

When you say the words, as long as we both shall live, are you agreeing to a “lifetime sentence”, or anticipating a long-term relationship of wonder, delight, and sexual satisfaction?

Zenaida Calusay, a beautiful and intelligent woman in her early fifties has been married for 27 years and is the mother of 3 sons. Formerly a faculty member of the chemistry department at Central Philippines University, she is now in charge of discipleship for their church of 1000, and academic dean of their church planting school. Her husband, Rey, is the senior pastor of First Assembly of God Roxas Mission Church. He is also the Assistant General Superintendent of the Philippine General Council Assemblies of God. Zenaida and Rey conduct seminars for families in which they share what they have learned about keeping their love alive.

Zeny, it seems like you and Rey have the perfect marriage!
The reason I accepted this interview was not to impress anyone, but to let women know that people like me, seminar presenters and leaders, are not perfect! All people have problems in their personalities that can be traced back to their backgrounds.

So, a person’s background can affect their happiness in marriage?
In my case, my sense of worth comes from things that I do, not relationships. Before I got married, my general attitude toward marriage was that it was something I wasn’t excited about. I was a very independent woman; marriage wasn’t a top priority. I had other plans.

In my childhood I was “overly handled.” We had a lot of boarders. We had 3 houses, 100 people! Most of these were relatives. I had so much attention that I wanted to be left alone. That is my personality, leave me alone!

Plus, I didn’t see any good marriage model at home. My mother was 15 years old when she was forced to marry my father during the war. In my home, I didn’t see any model of them being sweet. I thought it was normal, to be distant, unexpressive, independent, having walls around me.

Did your husband come from a background that is different from yours?
Rey and I were entirely opposite. This is the reason we clashed. Rey was the firstborn of 13 children. When he was still a little boy wanting to be cuddled by his parents, he had to be the yaya of his younger brothers. Rey experienced a lot of deprivation, poverty, lack of attention. And…I had everything. The bottom line was Rey wanted and expected affection, while I wanted to be left alone.

Did you realize how different you were when you got married?
During courtship you don’t see the real person. Everyone needs to understand that they marry a whole person. That person has a past: experiences, family, and dreams of what they want their life to be like. When you know all that, you understand the whole picture about them. This puts you in a better position to relate.

In the Philippines a lot of marriages start without the man and the woman really knowing each other. It is much better to talk and get to know that person, so that you’ll really be able to understand each other. It took me years. Now when I see Rey reacting to me, or to a situation in a certain manner, I know why.

Can a marriage get better, even if people have been married a long time?
Everyone wants to have a good marriage; everyone wants to be able to say, “Oh I really enjoy my married life!” But what happens in real life is not always like that.

It says in the Bible that God created us male and female. God is the one who instituted marriage. But, in our real experience, marriages are not perfect because many things in our married lives are not ruled by God’s principles. There is selfishness and sin in our background. The good news is, no matter what happens, what problems we have, if we submit to the principles in God’s word, things can change.

How do we improve our marriage?
We have a manual, the Bible, that tells us how to fix our marriage. Just like if we buy something, we have to operate it the way the manual says, otherwise it will break down.

Relationship with God enabled me to see myself, and look at myself, and then my relationship with my husband in the light of what the Word of God says. And if you do that, and see that what you have is not in harmony with the scriptures, then, submit to what God’s Word says.

How important is sexual intimacy in keeping marriage alive?
This is something that I had to learn because of my background. When it came to the time I had to be intimate, I was very scared. It was something that the devil used to destroy us. My husband would tell me, Zenaida, this is wrong, we have to be intimate.

Does God want women to be sexual with their husbands?
Yes. The Bible says, “God made man male and female.” He instituted marriage and said that sex is His gift to a married couple.

Is it an option for a wife to have sex with her husband?
No. It is part of it.

You said the idea of affection was not attractive to you. The love language of many men is physical attraction, sex. That was probably a big adjustment for you. How did you change?
It was a process that started in 1995. We had been married a long time. For me, everything was normal. I didn’t know that Rey was hurting, that he was tempted to despair because the hurt was so deep in him. The way I behaved, not being affectionate, he interpreted that as rejection. I said “I am not rejecting you.” It is true that men interpret not wanting physical affection as rejecting them.

Did you go to Rey and say sorry?
Yes. It was difficult. Actually we were both involved in this. In principle I had to say the way I related to Rey was wrong. At the same time, Rey also had to admit his strong feelings of rejection were also wrong. He had to move forward and I had to move forward.

So you don’t say “no” to sex as much?
No. I realize it is part of life; the main change is, I enjoy it now. God helped through prayer, reading, talking, and communicating. Both parties have to make an effort. I had to learn how to be expressive. Sometimes I felt awkward. I had to make a deliberate effort and I could see Rey was making the effort as well.

Is it true that loving someone is denying what you want and giving them what they want?
Yes. Looking at things from the viewpoint of the other party.

I think all women have the temptation to use sex to get what they want. Is that ever right?
Well, I don’t think it is right. But men are much happier, and much softer, and more generous and yielding to the whims of the woman if they are sexually satisfied.

What about women who are afraid of pregnancy?
I went through that. I was afraid to have children because every time I got pregnant my life was at risk. I think it is good to sit down with a doctor. You can work it out. You can do some measures.

Is it dangerous for a wife to underestimate the sexual needs of her husband?
Yes. It is harmful to the husband emotionally. There are clear changes in the personality. There are more temptations.

What advice can you give women who don’t feel romantic toward their husband anymore?
We were doing a seminar and there was an old couple in attendance. The wife said, “Pastor I don’t like that topic (sexual intimacy) because we don’t do that anymore.” And we told them, “just try once.” And they did! She found out that she could still enjoy it!

In the Philippines women think that sex is only for the man. We used to have a women’s group and we talked about sex and marriage. 80% thought sex was only for the man. Several of those women didn’t even know what orgasm was. There was a very old lady in the group that said, “What are you talking about? All my life I’ve been a married woman and I don’t know what you are talking about.” So we talked about how women should enjoy sex.

Women should learn. There are Christian books about this. Be beautiful, romantic, and active sexually. Take time out—date, cook together, work together, find something you do with your husband, and learn to like romance. Tell your husband what you want.

There is a Filipino tradition, a wife and a querida…
The querida is very affectionate. But, the wives, the women who own the men take the men for granted. Stay beautiful for your husband. Keep acting like lovers. You need maintenance in your relationship. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in children we forget our husband.

Do you have advice for husbands?
You know I wish I could talk to the husbands! Little presents are nice. The man is the king, but the wife is the crown. So guys, you should buy a little glitter for the crown…!

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Tips to keep your ref healthy!

Don’t keep your refrigerator or freezer too cold. Recommended temperatures are 37° to 40°F for the fresh food compartment of the refrigerator and 5°F for the freezer section. If you have a separate freezer for long-term storage, it should be kept at 0°F.

Regularly defrost manual-defrost refrigerators and freezers; frost buildup increases the amount of energy needed to keep the motor running. Don’t allow frost to build up more than one-quarter of an inch.

Clean the condenser coils at the back or bottom of your refrigerator at least once a year. You can use a vacuum to remove dust and debris from the coils and then gently wipe them with a rag. Your refrigerator will run for shorter periods with clean coils.

Place the refrigerator as far away as possible from heat sources such as stoves in order to keep the coils cool. Also leave a few inches of space between the coils and the wall to allow cooling air to circulate.

Make sure the gasket between the door and compartment seals tightly. If you find a loose area, you might only have to clean the gasket. If it is loose or torn, you may be able to fix it with glue. If it can’t be fixed, contact a dealer that handles your model and get a new gasket.

Does your refrigerator work too hard? Take this quiz and see!

Answer True or False.

1. It is good to unplug your refrigerator to save electricity when you are not using it.
2. The more food you store in your refrigerator, the more electricity it takes to keep the refrigerator cool.
3. Opening the door as seldom as possible will lower your electric bill.
4. Waiting until hot food is room temperature before putting it in the ref will save on electricity.
5. When moving a refrigerator, it is okay to lay it on its side to prevent it from falling.
6. When cleaning a refrigerator, use strong disinfectants and abrasives to make sure the refrigerator is clean.
7. Whether food is covered or uncovered does not affect how efficiently your refrigerator works.

Quiz Answers

1. False. Never unplug the refrigerator. The energy it takes to restart and cool your refrigerator will actually make your electric bill higher.
2. False. Both the freezer and the refrigerator work more efficiently when relatively full. Food retains cold better than air. Items in the refrigerator should be spaced a little to allow air to circulate around them.
3. True. Don’t open the refrigerator longer or more often than necessary.  Decide what you want before you open the door. The more the door is opened, the more energy your refrigerator will use.
4. True. The refrigerator will use less energy if you let hot food cool before placing it inside.
5. False. Never lay a refrigerator on its side, as this may cause a freon leak.
6. False. Always clean your refrigerator with a soft cloth and a solution of baking soda and water. Also, place a few tablespoons of baking soda on a small plate in the refrigerator. This will make any odors disappear.
7. False. Uncovered foods release moisture and make the compressor work harder. Cover liquids and wrap foods stored in the refrigerator.
8. False. In your freezer, you don’t need to leave room for air, it’s best to pack food close together. In fact, if you have extra space in your freezer you can put water bottles or bags of ice to fill unused space. This also helps retain the cold during a brownout.

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by Nelson Dy

We hear songs like “All you need is love” and “Love will keep us together.” The reality is that you need cold hard cash to pay the rent, put food on the table and keep the lights on. How to handle money is a vital skill every couple must have. Not having this skill leads to financial problems, which leads to stress in marriage. My darling wife Lucy and I are not millionaires (at least, not yet!), but we do several things that keep us from debt and poverty.

Tell your money where to go.
The basic tool is the budget. Out of our combined income, we assign certain amounts to specific household items. In our budget, we list tithes and giving, savings, groceries, medical needs, insurance, phone calls, water, electricity, maid’s salary, gasoline and car maintenance, personal allowances and unexpected expenses.

Pay your tithes, then, pay yourself.
Many people just keep spending and save whatever money remains at the end of the month. Usually, the left-over cash is small or even zero. Do it the other way around. Lucy and I target a monthly savings. (It’s in the budget, remember?) After withdrawing our salaries from the ATM, we immediately deposit this amount in our bank account. One more tip: Put your salary increases and bonuses in the bank. Maintain the lifestyle you have now.

Use envelopes.
What’s next? We gather all our income in cash and stuff it into envelopes, each envelope for a household item. Thus, we put the budgeted pesos for groceries into an envelope marked “Groceries,” and so on. This forces us to follow the budget. It also disciplines us not to dip into one envelope to pay for a different expense.

Don’t spend money you haven’t earned yet.
It is tempting to charge expenses to our credit card when we run out of cash. But later, our limited income will have to contend with the usual expenses and the debt. The debt accumulates interest and soon, we are overwhelmed with the amount we have to pay the bank. If we want to buy something not specified in our budget, we get it from the “Unexpected Expenses” envelope. If that envelope is empty, then we postpone the purchase until we have the cash.

Record your expenses and compare then with the budget.
When we buy something, we save the receipts or scribble the price on small slips of paper. At the end of each week, we count how much we spent on groceries and compare it to our “Groceries” budget, and so on. Sometimes we adjust our budget, such as gasoline where the price just keeps climbing! This exercise also enables us to spot areas where we can save. After a while, Lucy and I decided we don’t need to eat in restaurants as often as before.

We do not live like misers. But good financial management frees us from worrying about money and allows us to have fun!

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by Jeanne Ching

With at least six high powered rifles pointed at her, Susan was forced to make a split second decision. She had to decide between becoming a kidnap victim or taking the risk of a car chase. With two vehicles blocking her path, she figured her chances of escaping unharmed were slim. Besides, she had to consider the lives of the people who were with her in the car. Confused and afraid, her hands furtively reaching for the locks, Susan hoped for a miracle that didn’t happen.

The kidnapping occurred in a busy street. Soon, broadsheets, radio and television newscasts all tried to cover the story. Worried and concerned about her condition, loved ones started requesting Christians everywhere to pray for Susan’s safety.

Susan is a simple lady, mother of three children. She helps her husband manage their family business. Her husband was a born-again Christian when she married him but, it was only about a year before the kidnapping that Susan finally accepted the Lord as Savior and got baptized. What convinced her to make a firm decision to accept Christ was the gentle prodding of her husband and her own admiration for her husband’s exemplary behavior.

During her first few days in captivity, Susan was in a state of shock. Never did she imagine that she would ever be the victim of kidnappers! Finally, she pulled herself together and started praying. She tried to convince herself that there must be a reason behind it all. Then she prayed for her family who, she thought, would be worried, and submitted herself to God’s will.

Meanwhile, Susan’s captors had already started to negotiate with her family for her release. They blindfolded Susan and tried to convince her that it was her husband who had her kidnapped. They said he was having an affair with someone and wanted her to be out of the picture. But Susan told them, “My husband is a Christian. He loves God too much and would not do that.

At times those holding her threatened to kill her. Other times, they’d threaten to harm her family. In her limited conversation with her captors, Susan managed to share the Gospel with them. She told them, “God will be willing to forgive your sins and accept you as His children if you will humble yourselves before Him, and ask for forgiveness and turn back from all your wrong doing.” As a result, she could sense a soft side to her captors.

The guards, who were instructed to hold her in detention, were also given the opportunity to hear the gospel. In the course of their conversations, Susan found out that they, too, were victims. The guards confessed that they were tricked into accepting the job. Their lives were at risk, if they tried to turn back. At that point, she began to have compassion on them and to pray that God would give them wisdom to deal with the situation.

Finally, by means that Susan is unable to reveal, she and her two companions were released unharmed. Everyone who had prayed for them shared their joy and thanked God for their safety. Her two companions were non-Christians but through their ordeal, they too have learned to bend down their knees and pray. Moreover, Susan’s actions during this time of testing were enough to convince at least two of her close friends to draw near to God. One friend, to whom she had only started to witness, decided to open the Bible that Susan had given her some time before. Another friend, who had drifted away from the Lord, decided that it was time to come back to God. God used an ordinary housewife in an extraordinary situation to touch the lives of many others.

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by Peter Banzon

Pastor Peter Banzon

Q: My husband and I seem to argue a lot. Is there a way to make sure these arguments don’t get out of hand?  

A: Any married person knows that conflicts are inevitable. You and your husband are unique individuals. Each of you was brought up in different environments, circumstances and with different values. As you both bring these into your marriage, conflict will surface. Conflict arises partly because all of us look at people and situations differently. Your different perceptions allow for different opinions and choices which can cause conflict. When you and your husband learn to resolve conflict, both of you can grow more in maturity.

Most conflicts between husband and wife are verbal. A verbal argument can lead to a quarrel. You know that you and your husband are quarrelling when angry emotions are in control. Instead of dealing with the issue, you launch verbal missiles and bombs. Things can get out of hand and become painful.

Mature people can lessen the damage arguments can cause. Here are some keys you can use to help prevent arguments from getting out of hand:

• Pray! Even in the midst of an argument silently ask God for wisdom in dealing with the situation. You’ll be amazed how prayer puts the problem into a more manageable perspective. It’s difficult to be in a fighting mood when you connect with God.
• Be ready to listen and do not answer until the other person has finished talking. The Bible says “ Anyone who answers without listening is foolish and confused.” Proverbs 18:13 ©Speak slowly. Think first before speaking. James 1:19
• Be truthful but do it in love. Don’t exaggerate. Ephesians 4:25
• Do not respond in anger. Respond softly and kindly. “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs. 15:1
• Don’t’ generalize. Avoid using words like never and always. For example, “You never think about me.” “You are always late.” etc.
• Make “I feel” statements. They are less provocative. For example, “I feel you are often late.”
• Don’t make fun of the other person.
• Be willing to take the blame. Don’t take blame you don’t deserve, but accept your faults.
• Don’t allow arguments to be left unresolved. Many people argue about the same thing over and over because they have not learned to resolve the conflict completely.

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